It's Not You, It's Me

It's a phrase that is so often used to soften the blow of breaking a heart. The cliche is usually taken with a grain of salt, shortly followed by tequila and lime! But despite being over used, it's usually true. When people get dumped they try to figure out what they did wrong, why they weren't enough, etc, when often times it REALLY wasn't you. It was them! But it's so hard to accept that, right?

To accept that, despite your best efforts, your dazzling personality, and stunning good looks, it just didn't work. And you can't control it. I think the reason that hurts so bad, is because you didn't see it coming. So how could you, brilliant and brave and honest, have not seen this coming? What kind of fool have you turned into?

A year ago I was taking back a man that I thought I would end up spending the rest of my life with. Today, I'm "alone", single, whatever you want to call it, but I have never been happier. How is that possible? How could just one year change so many things. About me, about my life...it's mind boggling! 

The last time I wrote I was doing it therapeutically. And now I am writing a resolution to that post.  Writing things down forces you to admit they are true, and it keeps you honest. I was putting the final nail in the metaphorical coffin that was a dear friendship. Because writing it down forced me to realize that it wasn't them, it was me.

Don't get me wrong, they made poor choices. And were careless, and thoughtless in regard to other people's feelings. I am not defending or condoning their actions because what they did, hurt me. Though I would not have done the same in their shoes, I wanted desperately to forgive them, because it would mean finally letting go of all the anger, and all the hurt.

And I tried every day.

I tried to pray about it, but I took nothing to heart. I was so bitter. Searching for an answer, a reason as to why I deserved this. It was all their fault, wasn't it?

It was. I was not at fault, I didn't choose betrayal and I didn't choose disregard for my friendships. But I did choose anger. I chose to make her uncomfortable by hanging around, when it tortured me. I chose bitter. I didn't think it was up to me, but it is always up to me to determine my course of action. My game plan. My recovery. It wasn't my first heartbreak. It wasn't even my worst! So why did it hurt so, so bad?

Writing that last post was like the lightbulb going off, showing me that I was in control.

I no longer looked at old photos with longing, I looked at them with pity. What a shame, to have lost friends over a guy.

I no longer saw his name on my screen and felt butterflies, I felt dissappointment, that he wasn't the man I thought him to be.

I no longer questioned my choice to come to Auburn because I was afraid of leaving them behind, but I knew in my heart of hearts that I am strong enough to do this.

I no longer felt the need to obsess over messages, or voicemails, or stolen glances because I knew that because of what happened to me, I deserved so much better.

How valuable was a friendship that could be so easily stolen?

How honorable was a man who would disregard feelings so easily?

How true were the other, surrounding friendships, if they couldn't stand this trial?

In my eyes, that friendship was no longer valuable. That man was no longer worthy of my love and affection. And those friends, who knew right from wrong? They will always hold a special place in my heart.

In my eyes. In my heart. According to me.

My standards. My affection. My emotion.

Guess what isn't part of the equation?

So I sit here tonight, at what is the happiest, most confident point in my life I can recall to date, saying that I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive the man who I always knew I had met at the wrong time in my life. And I forgive the woman who took advantage of that. I forgive my friends who didn't flip tables in rebellion when they hurt me. I know you are just trying to keep your heads above water, and I can't ask you to defend me. And I forgive myself, for falling so deeply into something I saw coming.

So it might not be today for you. Time heals, and had you asked me a couple months ago I would still be a very bitter woman. But one day, when you are fighting whatever battle it is you are fighting, you will realize, it's you. It has always been you.

And I think, if they were being honest with themselves, and they ever saw me again they would reflect and think,"It wasn't you. It was me."