A Wake Up Call

You know how I said I don't have bad days anymore? Just moments? Well I think I jinxed myself.

As I sit here on the verge of tears, while attempting to write a 10 page paper comparing the feed and nutrition requirements of  market sheep and goats (ag major probs), I can't help but wonder how I got myself here, into this position, again. Was it:

A) The fact that I let myself believe love should have second chances?

B) Because for once in my life I threw caution into the wind and started to fall for a not-my-type, smooth talking cowboy, hoping that those feelings would replace heart ache?

C) Because I am struggling with the guilt that comes along with making poor decisions?

D) Fear of change, and failure, as I prepare to leave what has become my home?

E) All of the above?

If you are a fellow college student dealing with dead week and finals then I hope the irony of the multiple choice is not lost on you! And maybe that is just it. The overwhelming conclusion to and overwhelming semester of an overwhelming year with some underwhelming let downs but also some incredibly overwhelming opportunities. Maybe the frontal lobe of my brain is just screwing with me.

Or maybe it's a wake-up call.

Maybe sitting in this cold computer lab with feeble attempts to distract myself from the wave of anxiety that has been rolling over me for the last three weeks is exactly where I should be when I realize that I have got to stop myself from coming undone.

I can't ignore the signs. I have been tired, sick, and frankly just in a shitty mood. My skin is broken out, I've had a bad eczema flare up that hasn't shown itself since high school, and I have been biting my nails until they bleed. This isn't me.

Tomorrow I see my parents, take the GRE, get my class ring, and turn in what are my last assignments as a student at SFA before moving on to student teaching next semester. I should be rejoicing but I can't help but feel hollow. I can feel myself drawing back into that girl I was 10 months ago, the first time my ex and I broke up. Has it been ten months? It seems like just yesterday.

The strain of putting on my happy face is becoming apparent when I look at myself in the mirror. For the first time in a long time I see my reflection and like what I see. But, for the first time in a long time when I look inside myself, I don't.

This isn't a cry for help. It's a come to Jesus with myself. I'm not falling off a cliff, I sitting on it under a shade tree with a margarita in hand. So this is what I have to say to myself, that girl ten months ago who thought she had nowhere to go. That girl who I apparently never dealt with properly, who has chosen to rear her tear stained, mascara running face again these last few weeks.

1. Stop making excuses for other people, specifically men:

You have never made excuses for yourself. You always take the blame. In fact you take it too much. Let other people take the blame. No, it's not okay to think that he didn't mean it when he said that he hated people like you because you don't have to study. He did mean it. He wasn't just tired, or insecure. He's an asshole.

It's not okay to think that this new guy really does like you, but just isn't looking for the type of girl you are right now. He just wasn't ready to meet you yet. The marrying kind. The complicated kind. Whether he likes you or not is irrelevant. You are torturing yourself trying to figure out what to say or do to make him want you. And if he doesn't recognize that he should have snatched you up the moment he met you? Too bad so sad.

2. Let yourself miss him:

You don't have to be the girl everyone knows you are. The strong girl who is independent and smart and challenging with a spitfire humor. Not right now. It's okay to be the girl that rolls hers eyes when people mention his name. Or the girl who stops in her tracks when you see him holding hands with someone new. I know he built up this world where you and perfection were synonymous, but you aren't perfect. It's okay to be human.

I know you had this epiphany when he messaged you a few weeks ago. Where you could honestly say you didn't care what he thought said or did. Wasn't that feeling amazing and refreshing and enlightening?! Your fatal error was thinking that this one moment of clarity meant you were completely over him. It was a beautiful but brief glimpse into the bright future that lies ahead of you! Remember that feeling and hold onto it because one day that will be how you feel all the time. Whatever you do though, do not forget the pain he caused you.

3. Don't blame yourself:

Yeah I know I just said you aren't perfect. You aren't! But you ARE worth it. Worth those grades. Worth texting back. Worth another dance. Worth that grad school offer. Worth that scholarship. Worth being taken out on a date. Worth being told that you are beautiful and crazy and they wouldn't have it any other way. Worth being missed. Worth being loved.

Smooth talker couldn't take a little heat? Then he doesn't get to be in your kitchen. (That's what she said). You will not be forgotten by those who know you and love you. You are not forgotten. You have done nothing wrong. Okay maybe you have done some things wrong. But that doesn't mean you have to keep reliving those moments and beating yourself up about them. If you want to text him, text him! If you want to ignore the crap out of him, ignore him! But let yourself feel and then forgive yourself. Don't be a broken record of self depreciation.

4. It's okay that she doesn't like you:

I know you're trying. You're friendly! And outgoing! You aren't a threat to her! You know that, but she doesn't. What if you were in her place? Better yet, you WERE in her place. It's okay that she points you out to her friends at the bar and whispers. You're the ex. You're that one she has probably asked about and he probably dismissed with a very charming and vague response.

You aren't mad at her. Hell you always thought she seemed really sweet. It is engrained in female brains to dislike exes the same way it is engrained to dislike the new girl. Because what if they had something I don't? Something that he misses? Her friends wouldn't be good friends if they didn't automatically raise their eyebrows at you. Think about your own experiences.

5. Your worth does not lie in others:

This is something you have struggled with your entire life. In high school, it was your ag teacher. In college you have made a lot of progress, but have still managed to find mentors that you use to validate your worth. And then you were doing really well. You didn't need validation. Until men came into the picture. And now you are one of those girls. The girls who put their self worth in the hands of men.

And why would you do that?

Why?

The only men who should ever affect your self worth are your dad, your brother, and God. Your worth lies deep in your heart, in that small space right behind your insecurities. In that part of your soul hidden by your scars with a light so bright that others can't help but be caught up in it. In that part of your mind where you question and challenge and push because that is who you are. Of course it's behind all of the crappy stuff. You have to take risks to reach it. That's why it is hidden by the stuff that makes you cry and scream and go numb. Because only by getting through those things can you realize that you are enough.

And darling you are more than enough.



This is not over. And who knows how much time will pass before it will be. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up with a new sense of confidence. Maybe writing this all down was the end of what has, in the last three weeks, become a fast and slippery slope. The feeling of helplessness will probably come back at some point but it will not define me. It shouldn't define anyone.

One thing that I always told my ex was that everyone deserves to be happy, a sentiment he could never really wrap his mind around. Now I make exceptions for murderers and rapists, but other than that I believe people are inherently good and therefore deserve happiness. That's why I want to be a teacher. To help others find their happiness. To find their light.

My light is the quick wit I posses in friendly conversation. My light is the ability to make others laugh, and the ability to laugh at myself. My light is my heart, warm and welcoming to pretty much everyone I meet. My light is my obliviousness to the advances of men, and the sparkle in my eye when I realize they are flirting with me! My light is my academic drive and integrity. My light is the ability to speak in front of groups both large and small. My light is the smile on my face when I am out dancing. My light is hugs and well wishes. My light is accessorizing and getting dolled up for no one but myself! My light is going out for drinks with the girls. My light is what makes me fearfully and wonderfully made.

 

I have found my light, I just have to dig for it and dust it off sometimes, and remind myself that other people see it too.

-L





10 Things You Should Say to Your Best Friends Right Now

 

Everyone has that select group of girls that they rely on most to make it through life. From everyday struggles like putting on liquid eyeliner, to the bigger things like relationships and school, your girlfriends are your go to. They understand how hard it is to force yourself to wake up earlier just to shave your legs, and they don't judge you if you chose sleep instead. Like Meredeth and Christina, we all have "our person" and if we are lucky, we have a few of them!

They are the girls that your significant other knows simply come as a package deal. They are the the ones who will listen to you sob while drinking straight from a bottle of wine, with Adele playing in the background. They hold your hair. They do your makeup. They tell you when you are a hot mess. They are an extension of who you are.

You begin to form your own language of sarcasm, knowing looks, and odd noises that somehow come together to create perfect communication. You create nicknames for people around you. Your world is sacred and others just simply don't understand.

So here are a few things you need to say to your best friends...like right now!

1. I love you more than a fat kid loves cake.

Unless the cake is really good and I was really hungry. But most of the time, yeah-- I would choose you over cake. I love you because you understand my need to binge on Netflix and Megastuffed Oreos. You know about my odd obsession with Mama Mia and choose to spend time with me anyway. You also know that if I'm still alone at 40 I'm coming to live with you. Hope your hubs has the spare room ready. I love you because you bring out the best in me. Except that one time at Delta Chi, but we don't speak of that. I also love you because you guard my secrets like they are your own. (Right? Okay good.)

2. I also hate you a little though.

As my best friend I hate you sometimes. Like when you cancel plans. Or when you don't answer my snapchat that was super witty. Mostly because even though you bring out the best in me, you have also seen me at my worst, which is something I struggle with. It gives me anxiety that another human knows about my deepest fears, and my worst decisions. You know me better than I know myself, and because of this, you call me on my bullshit all the time.

3. Thank you for calling me on my bullshit.

Thank you for your ability to recognize that I am simply projecting my anxiety about my ex onto a new man. Thank you for telling me that I am using said man to distract myself and push my fears about graduating aside. Only a best friend can listen to you complain, on the verge of mental breakdown, and analyze what you said, and tell you what you are really thinking. It's a rare gift and you should appreciate it.

4. I can always count on your for a good laugh.

"That's what she said"s are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to our jokes.  Inappropriate? Yes. Necessary? I think yes again. I can always count on you to have a funny text, or stupid grin on your face when I need it most. On those days that I can't remember what it is like to be happy, you come waltzing in with white zinfandel and Iliza Schlesinger quotes and turn my mood around completely. It's a miraculous thing.

5. If you need to murder ANYONE...I've got you.

Remember that time we ate dinner, drank margaritas, and created a detailed plan in case either one of us needed to commit a murder? I mean down to the nitty gritty things, like what music we would play in the background, and what actresses would play us when they created a  movie about it. Mary Anne and Wanda style. Thelma and Louise. Bring it on world--bad bitches coming through. *cue music*

6. Thanks for keeping the not-so-important promises.

Any friend can keep a promise that is important. Like, don't tell that boy I think he's cute. Or, promise you'll get coffee with me Friday. But only a best friend remembers the little things. Like the fact that they promised if they saw your ex while driving they would flip him off. Sure it sounds great, but your best friend will follow through with it, and make sure to tell you about it as soon as they see you because they know it will make you laugh.

7. I would totally switch teams for you. 

(Okay not really, but think about how much easier life would be)

Really...we just get each other <3

8. Thank you for handling my mental breakdowns.

Like that time we were at the bar and the guy I was into was ignoring me...you came with me to get some air, took my face in your hands and said, "You don't need him. You are beautiful. You don't see the heads you turn but I do. And I'm not just saying this because I am your best friend. I'm saying it because you are oblivious to the fact that you are a head turner." Or some scenario pretty similar to that.

9. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry we lost touch for a while. I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding when you got back together with the guy who cheated on you (man that bit me in the ass huh?) I'm sorry I didn't tell you about *insert personal story here* sooner. I'm sorry about that time you were struggling with depression and I pushed you away because I wasn't strong enough to keep both of us above the water. I'm sorry I stole your hair tie and never gave it back. You have to love me anyway.

10. I will never forget you.

Even if we haven't spoken in years (which is NOT going to happen) and have families and grown-up jobs, I will never forget the time we had together. Time spent crying, laughing, singing, dancing...not one minute of it will be lost on me! Countless hours getting ready to go out. Sitting at bars hoping to get asked to dance. Walking to class. Lunch dates. Birthdays. Boyfriends that were jerks, and the ones that are here to stay. Every memory we shared and are still sharing together is one that will be forever tattooed on my heart. You were there through all of those years that have had such a huge impact on the woman I am today. You helped shape me. And I will never forget that.

*hugs*

 Love you guys. Here's to the rest of our lives!

-L

A Letter to the Man Who Broke My Heart...Twice.

I have debated back and forth about posting this for several days now. I don't want people to think I am airing my dirty laundry, but I also think that this would be a good thing for me. And maybe for women experiencing similar things. 

I recently had a conversation with a new friend about men, heartbreak, and the pain that comes along with it. I had been thinking about writing this post for a while now, but our conversation spurred me along a little because I realized that the one thing everyone who is heartbroken has in common is this:

They all feel like they are the tragic exception. That no one has ever felt this way and come out alive. That their love was different, and no one can understand their suffering. They feel completely alone. 

I've been there. Felt that. Gone numb. Cried about it. 
Over the same man. TWICE. And guess what? 

I'm still living. Not just alive, but living.

It has taken me a little while to reach a point where I could actually sit down and write this. In fact, I think this is the perfect time. The wounds aren't fresh, but I can still feel them beneath the surface. I have moved on, but definitely have not forgotten. If you know me, you know I like self reflection, and I feel that now is a good time to reflect on this, one of the most enlightening, terrifying, testing, humiliating, and rewarding things I have ever experienced: falling in love with someone who wasn't "the one." 

So, this one goes out to all the broken-hearted (is that a song? If not it should be). Buckle up, it's a long one. And when in doubt...I'm being facetious. 

Dear Man Who Broke My Heart...Twice,

               How are you doing? Actually you don't need to answer that. Because even though I un-friended you on Facebook like the completely mature adult I am (lol), I can still see what you are tagged in. And I'm not going to pretend that I don't still stalk you sometimes. It's a weird complex where if my day is too good, I need to make myself feel worse. I know that you didn't place as well as you wanted in that last fishing tournament. I also know that you don't fish as well in the Fall, so you'll pick yourself back up come spring time. I know that because I genuinely took interest in the things you love. Like bass fishing. I loved zooming across the lake in your brand new bass cat that daddy bought for you. I loved seeing beautiful new places and waking up before dawn to get out on the water. Mostly because I loved the way your eyes shined when you were reeling in anything over 5. Like the way they used to shine when you looked at me. 

               Thank you, by the way, for teaching me about bass fishing. I can now hold a conversation with attractive men about crank bates, brush piles, and football jigs. It helped me on my content exam, plus I can whip out that photo of me with the 7.6 pounder I caught on Lake Nac with you. Which I definitely have done. On multiple occasions. 

               Thank you for reinforcing my belief that when someone becomes overly accusatory about something toward their partner, it is because they are feeling guilty about that same thing. The next man that gets angry at me for checking my phone, or is hyper sensitive about my contact with other males? He won't last long. Being apathetic towards me? You fed me those lines about not knowing what to do with your life and I soaked it up like a love desperate sponge, holding you, continuing to love you, telling you that it would all be okay. Next time, tell her not to tag you in Facebook posts. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't think I'm the best thing that has ever happened to them.

               Now I know it wasn't all bad. You were a hopeless romantic, just like me! You bought me flowers! And you drove to Nac to see me! And all of those meals you paid for and gas you spent almost make up for the fact that I now have a complex about my pants being too tight, my belly button ring looking like "metal lint" and my tattoos being trashy. Oh but thank God you told me you "overlooked the tattoos." I don't know if I could have ever afforded to get them removed. Remember when I drove on Christmas night to come see you, as a surprise, so you wouldn't be alone? I left my family at 6pm drove three hours and showed up at your door, dressed to the nines, present in hand. Or that time I had to tell all of my family that you had to work during the Lewis Christmas party, when really you just didn't want to come? After telling me for months that you would? Nothing says commitment like a family Christmas party...so it's best that you just avoid that all together, even if it does permanent damage to the girls' ability to trust. Okay okay, I'm getting off topic again. There were some good parts about our relationship.

               You were an artist with words and I will never forget the feeling it gave me when you looked at me, said I was beautiful, and wanted me for the rest of your life. That feeling? It's incomparable to anything else in this world. I remember when I went to dinner with you and your coworkers. Everyone gave us compliments about being the best dressed couple, and the old lady hit on you all night. Then, afterwards, we got Starbucks and looked at Christmas lights. The simple joy of running into you unexpectedly on campus. The feeling of your hand in mine. After our first kiss, when I ran face first into my front door. Not being able to sleep because I was so excited to see you the next day. Goosebumps when you kissed me. Stolen glances across the room. Wanting to leave a party just so the two of us could be alone. I would kill to have those things back. Those were real.

               But, so was the fact that you hated every single one of my friends. Except Sunshine. Because she had literally said 6 words to you in the span of a year. So were the texts. To your ex. Saying you loved her. So were the nights I spent crying in my shower because it was the only place my roommates couldn't hear me. So was the time you told me my cutoffs were about two sizes too small. So were the times that I would be dressed to go out, and you would tell me I looked great--but follow it with "But you already knew that." So were the times you looked at the make-up on my face and said "What is all of that shit?" Or when you said you resented me for being smart. And the time that was most real? When you told me the only reason I liked writing was because someone told me I was good at it. Yeah...you're right. And the only reason I didn't think the things you said were tearing me down? I just kept telling myself it was okay. You were just projecting your own insecurities on me. I was strong and confident, they weren't really getting to me or hurting me, and you didn't really want them to...did you?

               I like to think that you didn't. I like to think that you think of me and regret your decision to walk away. In the words of T-Swift all you had to do was stay! I like to think that you are dumbfounded because for once, a girl that you broke down didn't stay in touch with you....begging for your attention. I like to think that you see me in front of you, in class, and wonder if I am really as happy as I appear to be. Rest assured, I'm not. But I am happy. I no longer have bad days, but I have bad moments. Like the Chris Young concert. When you showed up with her. Damn that was rough. But I reveled in the fact that I was the one in the pit, touching his hand, surrounded by people who love me, and held my hands when he played "Tomorrow." I like to think, that one day 6 years from now, we will run into each other at a cafe, both leading separate lives, and be able to catch up. I'd like to think that. 

               Please know, as therapeutic as this was, this letter was not meant as an attack on you. I believe in my heart that when you find the right woman, who maybe isn't quite so strong willed as I am, y'all will live happily ever after. This wasn't to only point out the things that were wrong about us. It was to remind myself that it's okay to miss you. It's okay to think of you. But it is not okay to forget the damage you caused me, for my own sake. And I know that every girl out there who has been broken like this wished she could send this letter. It's a small town, word might get back to you. But let's be honest, how much of this do people not already know? Don't think this was really about you. It was about the demons I have faced and am still facing with you. The demons that broken hearts everywhere have to face. Even you.

               I guess it wasn't really no matter the storm, huh?
                                                                           Elizabeth Lewis

P.S. I know she was there the night before. Be nicer to your roommate. And stop flirting with girls who are friends with me...they just come run and tell me!

Man...that was heavier than I expected it to be! It was never my intention for this letter to be bashing my ex. I really wanted to write this to prove to y'all, and maybe even still to myself, that heartbreak works on its own time. It comes in stages. I'm out of the "stomach hurts when I see you" phase, but am not to the "wishing you all the best" phase. Obviously. I didn't feel the need to be vague, because if you know me, you know exactly who I'm talking about anyway! Might as well just let it all out. I also wanted to showcase the fact that abuse isn't always obvious. I'm not trying to say that my relationship was abusive. That's not it at all. But some of those backhanded compliments? The projecting of his own fears onto me? They did a number on my confidence. 

I also don't think that I was innocent in the dramatic explosion that was the end of our relationship. I know I am hard headed. I know I was new to the whole "love" thing. But I also woke up every day wondering how to make him happy. How to make him love me like I loved him. Agape--self sacrificial love. That kind of love. I think somewhere he felt those things too. Or maybe he just thought he should. He did teach me how to love though--I never knew a heart could be filled with so much feeling for another person. 

It's okay to be mad, or spiteful, or upset, or depressed, but don't ever think that you have to go through it alone. I made that mistake the first time around and made some very poor decisions. Needing alone time and thinking you have to suffer alone are two very different things. 

I would say don't blame yourself, but I know you're going to. But don't forget to blame them too. One day you'll wake up and feel like it was mostly their fault. And then one day you'll wake up and know that you don't ever want to get back together with them (like ever! Sorry I couldn't resist). And one day it won't hurt to say their name, or run into them. And hopefully, one day soon, we won't even think of them. 

-L

It's Pronounced "Buda-peSHt": 6 Things You Will Learn Abroad

 As is sit here back in Nac in my little one bedroom apartment, with my new kitten Toulouse pestering me by climbing over the keyboard, I stop to take a minute to remind myself that just a few short months ago I was on the other side of the world. Wait....what?! Oh yeah! I really did do that! So in honor of remembering my amazing experience abroad, I have decided to write a blog post dedicated to those crazy Slovakian, Czech, Hungarian, Austrian, and Italian nights ;)

Onto the things I learned in Europe! 

Now it is really impossible to write about all of the things I learned. I was taking a political science course and did a research project on political culture and how it effects the style of democracy different places use. We compared the United States, Texas, and Slovakia--the country I spent most of my time in. But y'all don't really want to hear about the STUDY part of my study abroad, do you? So instead of boring you with all of my new political knowledge, I have comprised a list of random, silly, funny, and also important things I learned while in Europe!

You can totally live without a car.

Learning to navigate in foreign cities and use public transit was easier than expected, and saved us a TON of difficulties. It's really not that hard! The first time I had to learn to navigate was when our group split up in Prague. We had taken a walking tour across the city and then we all split to grab food at different places. There ended up being just a few of us who had to work our way back to our hostel and we did it and didn't die! We found our bus stop on the map, found which buses ran through that stop, and even managed to read pick up and drop off times by ourselves. In Czech! Public transit was convenient and cheap, and saved us the hellish experience of being ripped off by a taxi driver and dropped on of the wrong side of the city (it happened to other people on the trip!). While I missed my little car, it was refreshing to not have to drive to unknown destinations. Down side-- if you miss your bus you might be stuck waiting another hour and not get home until 4AM. 

Boat cruise in Budapest. Hey y'alllllll.

The parties in Europe are way more exciting.
But for some reason Europeans really want to go to a frat party. This might only apply to the friends we made, but most of them were so excited to find out that movies don't exaggerate frat parties. Beer Pong? Yeah...people in America really play that. *Shock and awe* Seriously?! Beer pong is exciting? Y'all would die if I told you about rage cage! The first Slovak party I went to was an outside rave type thing and had a DJ, all kinds of crazy laser lights, and fire dancers. Yes, FIRE DANCERS. That's some high class stuff. When was the last time you went to a frat party that lit anything on fire except an old couch? Oh yeah...NEVER. Don't even get me started on the Pub Crawl in Prague or the Bath Party in Budapest. It was AH-mazing!

The crew.

You will make the coolest friends.
I am beyond thankful for all of the amazing people I met. Not only our host friends and the people on the trip with me, but the random strangers I met while traveling! So many young adults were just meandering their way through Europe and I got to meet some interesting folk. Guys from Canada that we randomly invited to go to a hookah lounge/hippy tea shop with us (we proceeded to have in depth conversations about school systems in our own countries), fellow hostel goers from California, going on a boat cruise with a guy from El Paso, meeting Irishmen and one very impressive and endearing Australian who also happens to be an award winning film artist (his short film was in the Cannes Film Festival...and he gave us a copy *hair flip*)..the number of people you meet is overwhelming! And it is surprising how much everyone has in common. I met another Australian who was working the staging/lighting and filming for the One Direction concert in Milan the weekend we were there. Just listening to people's stories (even if they were making them up!) was so fun. You can learn a lot if you are open to it :)

Ohhhh hey there gorgeous back drop for a selfie ;)

You will miss weird things.
Like free condiments, ice water, and free refills. But then there are cool things like the fact that McDonalds sells beer and you can get $4 pizzas that are way better than Little Ceasar's, to make up for it. Oh yeah...did I mention the drinking age is 18? And they have grocery stores in malls. People just walk around the mall drinking beer. Mind blown.

Before our hike in Trnava, Slovakia.

Introspection is a must.
If you don't take advantage of the "me" time offered while traveling the world... you're doing it wrong. Do cheesy things like sit on a hillside coffee shop, overlooking the city, sipping a cappuccino out of a mug bigger than your face. Or you know...stick to your #superwhitegirl Fraps like me. Mocha-coconut just tastes so much better in Prague ;) Stepping out of your comfort zone forces you to learn a lot about yourself, and traveling to a new country definitely falls into that category. I believe that to be true for everyone, and therefore I also believe the bond you make with people you meet while traveling abroad is a different kind of bond. It's sort of indescribable, but my study abroad friends and I have decided that it is almost like all of you dreamed the exact same dream. 

Being silly at the bus stop :)

Don't waste a single moment.

Stay up way too late discussing hot topics like terrorism, gun control, and abortion. Get your hungover self out of bed at 7 so you can go tour a castle. Try to visit as many bars and restaurants as you can. Go into bookstores and souvenir shops. Stop at food stands and street performers. Take too many pictures, but not so many that you miss what is right in front of you. Sit on a bench eating sausage while looking out over the Danube. Pet a hedgehog. Watch a soccer game. Go to class and actually pay attention and participate in discussion. Watch a sunset. Take the later train just so you can spend a few more hours in the city hanging out with your new friends. LIVE every moment because that time goes by so quickly.

In a castle tower in Slovakia...NBD.

Every person you talk to who has studied abroad says something super cliche like "I really found myself" or "I learned so much about life. Like the world....and me...." or some other eye roll inducing statement. But guess what? It's completely true. So don't be afraid to spend too much money, or stay out to late, because I guarantee you that after you come back it will feel like the whole thing never happened. Several people have asked me how my trip was this summer and it is probably one of the hardest questions to answer because it is indescribable. I hope I did it some justice and if you ever get the chance to study abroad....PLEASE do it. I promise you won't regret it.

-L

Studying Abroad: The One With Yankees on a Train

Hey y'all! So we have been in Slovakia (No, not Czechoslovakia...that's not a thing anymore...c'mon go do some world geography)  for about 6 days now for my study abroad and I can already tell it is going to be one of the most amazing experiences of my life! If you ever get ANY opportunity to travel abroad, PLEASE TAKE IT. Preferably to some place like this where not every rich white girl who wants to get "cultured" has been, like...I don't know...Paris or London! I'm sure they are great places to visit, and I hope to one day, but Slovakia? This place is amazing! 

I want to take the time to write a funny post about some things I have learned here, but yesterday I had a pretty eye opening experience on the train back from Vienna that I wanted to share. So I'm sorry ahead of time, but this post has a little bit more of a serious note to it, frankly because I am pissed!

(I promise I will make it up to you with hilarious stories about my European adventures later, but for now....it's soapbox time.)

So yesterday my whole group went to Vienna so we could learn how to use the train system when leaving the country. Plus ,Vienna is a really cool city. It's more tourist oriented than Bratislava, where I currently reside, and most people spoke English, and they had delicious sausage, pretzels, and beer, as to be expected! The city was great! I had Starbucks (#whitegirl I know I know) The train ride back, however, was not. 

I sat with three girls who are very nice, and I was glad because they aren't people I get a chance to talk to very often on our trip. Then across the aisle from us was a group of four women who I at first thought were mother daughter pairs. When they heard us speaking English they asked where we were from, so we introduced ourselves and chatted with them briefly before returning to our respective conversations. They were from Pennsylvania which should have been my first warning…damn yankees ;) The girls and I got onto the topic of education (since two of us plan on becoming teachers) and how they are passing that new law that requires 8th graders to choose either a college prep path or a career prep path and what we thought about it, etc. As the other girls began to take over the conversation I started to zone out a few times and listen to the people around us, which is when I picked up that one of the women across from us was talking about us. 

She was doing so in a hushed tone, but it was loud enough that I could hear her. She began talking about how pitiful it was that all American teenagers in our generation use the word “like” as every other word when we speak. She then told one the younger girls with them (who couldn't have been much older than us) to listen to us talk to one another and they would hear it. Then she got quiet for a while and they responded that they couldn't hear anything, we sounded normal. Then the older woman said, and this is a direct quote, “Oh just listen. They have been saying it this entire time. It is disgusting to hear people who plan on becoming educators of our youth to talk in that way.” The other one responded with “It’s just so sad.” Her tone was so bitter I felt like I could taste it. At this point I was silent, and very angry. I was trying so hard to build up the courage to say something to her, but I am simply just non-confrontational. I could feel my chest turning splotchy and my cheeks getting red as her words sank into the pit of my stomach. I also began to notice every single time on of our girls used the word “like,” which was more often than I wanted to admit after over hearing that woman. 

After a few minutes one of the women leaned over and asked how we were all on this trip together; basically, what was our common denominator? I knew she wanted confirmation that we were education majors. So of course we told them that we were honors students, which only seemed to make their words sting that much more. We told them our majors: elementary education, kinesiology, environmental science, and agricultural development with a teaching certification, and I made sure to go last. At which point I took over the conversation, discussing where we were from, why we were here, and what it meant to us. Then I asked about their trip. They were two professors and two education students who had just received their masters and were studying different types of education systems. I made sure to speak so clearly, and with as much confidence and eloquence as I could muster. I didn't use the word “like” or "uh" or "um" one single time. I watched the mean woman’s face change as she recognized the mistake she had made in judging us as a whole, based on a casual conversation with friends. 

Let me also point out that we weren't talking about the latest gossip girl episode...we were talking about becoming teachers and current American legislation. So judge away lady, but I was impressed with our conversation. 

From then on they were very kind and had a lot to say to us. We talked about job opportunities, America’s opinions of teachers, the role scholarships play in school, and what we would do if we were given the opportunity to be teachers over here. At the end of the train ride one of them grabbed my hands and held them and said “It was really so nice to meet you. I hope you have a wonderful experience here.”

It sickens me that here, in a foreign country, where WE are the outsiders, the most judgmental and rude people we have encountered were fellow Americans. The Slovaks, and Czechs, and Austrians have treated us with nothing but kindness, a little bit of humor at our meager attempts at their languages, and at most slight annoyance. Americans, who ignorantly expect the world to speak English, who treat foreigners so poorly, and are so quick to judge them for their attempts at English…we are treated like normal people here, and have been shown so much understanding. Don’t get me wrong, I love my country, and I love my state. And the woman spoke a lot of truth. The kids in my generation use fillers in sentences that don’t need them, especially when we are having a casual conversation with our friends. But this? To assume that we were unintelligent, and would be disappointing as future educators? This was the most disappointing thing that has happened so far on my trip. Americans needs to quit perpetuating the stereotypes that we have in other countries when we travel abroad. We shouldn't be the rude, complaining, hamburger eaters who only take escalators, that people over here think we are. We should be open minded and friendly, and at the very least should be enthusiastic to meet fellow Americans abroad, not talking shit about them on a train. I mean come on lady, we were three feet away. 

So to whoever you are, you rude spiky haired, Pennsylvanian education professor, I say shame on you. You seemed like a very intelligent woman and posed a lot of questions I hadn't thought about before, so it is disappointing that you felt the need to talk about us in that manner. All I can say is that I will never attend school in Pennsylvania, and I will never speak ill of someone on a train. 

Until next time,

-L

Obligatory "Things I Have Learned So Far" Post

As my Junior year of college comes to an end, I can't help but be left in a reflective mood. I am going to go ahead and declare that the 2013-2014 school year has been the most difficult year of my young life. It has left MUCH to be desired and I can say with no doubt that I am beyond ready for my senior year to begin because, please Lord, I can only go up from here. Right? 

But wait....did I just say my senior year? I feel like I just left home. Can it be that I will be moving into a tiny one bedroom apartment in August, preparing for student teaching, and then preparing for adulthood? I plan on putting off the real world by going to grad school, but still! Three years has FLOWN by. And as much as I wish I could freeze frame time, this summer is already in full swing, and before I know it I will be swept off to Slovakia for my study abroad, attending my cousin's wedding, going to the FFA state convention, then going to Ag teacher conference and BAM! It will be August and time for another school year to begin.

So as I sat with my beloved best friend Blanca (whose name has been changed for her protection. As are all of my friends names in this blog) over a delicious meal of sushi and sweet tea--only in Texas...am I right?--I told her of my plans to write one of those cliche "Things College Has Taught Me So Far" posts for my blog. She was super excited and was the main source of inspiration for many of the things on this list, along with my high school best friend Methuselah Honeysuckle (and if you don't get that Psych reference you probably aren't as cool as I thought you were. Seriously, she is the Gus to my Shawn. Look it up!). I took input from several different people and the original list was very very long. It's hard to condense ALL the things college teaches you into one small list! So I decided to put a little twist on a cliché post and do what I like to call, my college ABC's.
So here we go. Buckle up, because this is a long post.


A is for Alcohol and Agriculture

Well DUH. It wouldn't be college without alcohol. I can't think of anything that hasn't already been said on the topic.Your standards will increase vastly once you turn 21, and decrease again when you are super broke. Also, never drink and drive. Seriously, it's stupid and not worth it. Suck it up and volunteer to be DD if no one else will.

As far as agriculture goes, it's my major so of course I have an appreciation for it. But seriously! It employs like 18% of the nation and without it you would be cold, naked, and hungry. It provides your booze. Plus it's the largest industry in the world. So go get learned about ag, and thank a farmer.

B is for Boys 
Notice I say boys, not men. Trust me y'all--there is a difference! You will meet a ton of boys in college, especially your first two years. Boys are the ones who will take you out to somewhere just OKAY, and then try to ferociously make-out with you in the car before they drop you off, with a closing line of "Uhhhh...so can I text you tomorrow?". Men will take you to a classy establishment (like Chili's or something...lol), open doors, ask you questions, walk you to your door and give you one of those movie kisses. You know! Where they put their hand on the side of your face, and the other resting respectfully on your hip? Then you may or may not run into your front door because you are so dazed by the whole experience. And you can hardly sleep because you can't stop thinking about it! Oh wait...did I just say that? I mean no...that never happened to me. I didn't run into my front door...ever... :P Those men really do exist ladies. I promise. So don't give up. 

C is for Cooking
In the words of my high school bestie "Ramen is not enough to sustain a person, so learn to cook." Coming from her, someone who loves to cook, this is easier said than done! But I agree. It's healthier to cook your own meals, and usually cheaper. So learn to cook at least two solid meals. Not because you want to be #sodomestic because that makes Feminist Lizzie angry. (Feminist Lizzie is the occasionally radical side of me that comes out when girls think they have to be perfect 'wife' material.) But simply because you should be able to support yourself.

D is for Dieting
Everyone's diet starts tomorrow, right? Dieting is thrown around so much in college it honestly loses any credibility. Don't worry about who's doing what cleanse and who is selling Advocare...find what works for you, doesn't make you blow up like a balloon, and is something you can live with the rest of your life! It's college. And it is totally acceptable to eat that honey-butter chicken biscuit at 3AM. Just maybe don't live off of corn nuggets and patty melts.

E is for Effort
I do not understand people who cheat in college classes. YOU ARE LITERALLY PAYING TO BE HERE. And if it's your parents money I'm even more disgusted with you. Stop taking that stuff for granted and take notes and crack open a book. You get out of it what you put into it, to step up and work!

F is for Fashion

Oh my goodness, as much hate as it gets I LOVE college fashion trends. Leggings can be pants. Accept it. Oversized tees and Nike shorts are super freaking comfortable, okay?! I admit that I like to dress up for class. I'm not talking about dressing up as in busting out heels--I'm just saying skinny jeans, some cute sandals, a flowy button down and LOTS of accessories are a pretty normal outfit for me. But just because I don't wear it to class doesn't mean I can't enjoy this simple, laid back feel that is college clothing. I eat it up. And one day I will laugh and laugh looking back at what we wore. I can't get on board with chacos, or however you spell them, though. I just can't.

G is for Grades
"Sometimes it takes getting on academic probation in order for you to pull your head out of your ass."--wise words from one of my friends. Bad grades happen. Deal with it and move forward because in the end, all you are looking for is getting that diploma. Stop blaming your profs. You literally missed 12 days of class--I don't think he has an unfair grading system. As soon as you graduate your GPA becomes exponentially less important. If you care about it, work hard and make good grades. If you don't--D is for diploma...right?

H is for Heartbreak
God it's the worst.
The first type of heartbreak is losing friends. That's the type that you feel in the pit of your stomach every night before you go to sleep. Maybe you got in a fight. Maybe you just drifted apart. Whatever it is, losing a best friend is miserable. Just remember that you can learn from those experiences. Don't blame yourself for more than you should take blame for. You can't help everyone, and remember that they were in your life for a reason.

The second type is even worse. I'm talking about real heartbreak. AKA being dumped. This is the type that you are constantly thinking about. And all the cliché's in the world won't make you feel better.
My mother sent me a ton of inspirational quotes on Valentines Day right after my first serious heartbreak, (side note--my mom is the best) and one of them I keep posted on my mirror. It says something about heartbreak being the worst feeling you have ever felt. "You'll cry yourself to sleep, scream, and throw things, and wonder if it will ever get better. But you have to go through a few storms in order to appreciate the sunshine." I wish I remembered it more eloquently, but I keep that one out because it reminds me that other people have felt that way too. Talking it out is good, but some of your friends who have never been in love, or never been heartbroken, just won't get it. And you can't hold that against them if they are trying to help you. I will never forget the way I felt after breaking up with....let's just say "him." Never ever. I thank God every day that I have people in my life who put up with me through all of that nonsense that was me hating myself after we broke up. Because I very easily could have come out on the other side without any friends. I also thank God everyday for helping me climb out of my own personal hell and get back to being myself again.

I is for Indifference
Please please please do not be indifferent in college.
Read life changing novels. Take philosophy, and have an opinion about everything! Don't shove it down other peoples throats, but don't let them walk all over you either. Now is the time to change your mind about feelings you had in high school. Now is the time to read an article about opposing political views. Don't take what your parents or profs say at face value. Ask questions and explore! There is a prof in the ag department who comes and chats with me in the front office when he gets bored. He's a little crazy and sarcastic--so obviously we get along. Now, understand that in a small department like mine professors know everything that goes on (see the letter P) so they all knew my whole boyfriend situation, and several of them felt the need to talk to me about it when said boy and I broke up. One of my profs said to me "It's okay to fail Lizzie. Now of all times in your life it's okay. You are in college, a safe place, surrounded by people who love and support you. So it's okay to take risks." When he left the office that day I turned around and, as a tear fell from my eye, swore that I would remember that for the rest of my college career.

J is for Jobs
Get an internship or job in the field you are entering after you graduate because you might hate it, and it makes you connections if you love it. Just having work experience at all helps you after graduating.

K is for Karma
It's real. And it will get those who wronged you. Or it will get you if you have wronged others.

L is for Love
You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Same goes for others. Trust me. If they don't love themselves they can't love you. At least not in a healthy way.

M is for Money
Financial independence is kicking my ass every single day. I need to figure it out because pretty soon I will be making big girl money and my 401K will thank me. So far things I have learned include: pay your rent on time, or you will be evicted. Pay your utilities. Pay for food. THEN you can pay for booze. Try going a semester without asking your parents for money and you will realize just how hard being a grown up is.

N is for Neglect
Don't neglect. Your grades, finances, family, relationships....anything important to you!!! Keep in touch with high school friends. Call your Grandma because one day you won't be able to. Most importantly don't neglect yourself. Take care of you because this is a very brief portion of your life where you aren't responsible for any other human beings.

O is for...Oops...

You will have SO many "oops" moments in college. Some of them are scarier than others. But all of them teach you something. Maybe you let your leftovers get moldy and your roommate left you a passive aggressive note about her gag reflex as she opened the fridge. Oops. Maybe you forgot to turn in a mid term. Oops. Maybe you got 3 parking tickets the first two weeks of school. Oops. Maybe you were too busy being a "Saturday out on the town" so you couldn't quite make it up the next morning to be "a church girl on Sunday." (Brad Paisley is a wise man.) Oops. Now is the time for oops moments. Just avoid ones that stay on your record.

P is for Professors and Parents
As mentioned earlier, profs in small departments know more than you think. So be nice to them. You can make some pretty great friendships by getting to know them. Not like "going out on the weekends" friendships, but "I'd like to hear an interesting story while I'm waiting for my next class to start" friendships. They have a lot of life experience, and they all secretly love reminiscing about when they were your age. Trust me, they have all been there and done that. Above all, respect them. They don't do this for the money.

And for parents...God love them...they have been putting up with you for so long that it doesn't even phase them when you text them something along the lines of, "My account may be overdrawn by like....7 dollars...so can you possibly pretty please send your favorite daughter a little bit of money?" But don't abuse that relationship. They have done their duty and raised you to be a fully semi-capable young adult, and pretty soon you won't be able to rely on them. It's okay to call your mom crying after a hard week. It's okay to ask Dad this time you need money because you asked Mom last time. It's okay to miss them and be homesick. But in the end, it is your responsibility now, so show them your gratitude by being a grown up. Most of the time.

Q is for Quiet Time
Enjoy it. Respect it. Love it. Take a nature walk. Take a nap. Read a book on a rainy afternoon. I have been told many times to take advantage of naps, because once you have kids it all goes to shit. Haha, just kidding, no one actually said that. But that's basically the vibe I get from adults. Utilize your free time and pamper yourself.

R is for Real Talk, Respect, and Religion
Real talk-- if a man buys you a drink, you finish it whether you like it or not. Real talk-- tip your waiters. They're broke too and if you can afford to go out to eat, you can afford to tip them. Real talk-- learn how to check your oil in your car. You don't have to know how to change it....just check it. Real talk-- have one designated car DJ. Everyone has a friend obsessed with music, and they make killer playlists. Real talk-- get rid of your high school clothes. Real talk-- you need to know how many miles you can drive when your gas light comes on.

Respect? Come on son. It's basic knowledge. Have it, give it, earn it.

Find Jesus. Or don't .I have gained a ton in terms of faith since coming to college, and am so grateful to have found a church that I feel comfortable in. I didn't grow up going to church, it was just something I wanted to try. Always been curious about Buddhism? Go for it dude. Take a theology course. Church hop and listen to different types of services. Talk to someone with different views than you. College has such a variety of people and beliefs..

S if for School Supplies and Soul Sisters
DON'T buy school supplies until you have gone to a class twice. You might not need a 5 subject spiral and three ring binder. Hell, you might not even need paper. Or a textbook. Don't show up empty handed because that doesn't give a good first impression, but you don't have to haul around a back breaking amount of supplies like you did in high school.

Soul sisters are those best friends that you know will be in your life forever. The two girls who helped me write this post and Helen for sure fall into that category. You may fight, go months without speaking, or not see each other for weeks, but you get through it all and come out stronger. They are always your biggest supporter, but they also tell you things that are hard to hear. They are the girls whose stomach hurts for you when you are having anxiety. They cry for you when you have run out of tears. They are the girls who come over at 11 at night after you and your boyfriend got into a huge fight and say things like "Get dressed and layer up because it's our first ever snowfall in Nac since we have been here and we are going sledding" and you proceed to go make hilarious Jamaican bobsled parody videos with. They are the girls who send you Snapchat videos of songs you choreographed dances to in 9th grade. They're family.

T is for Two Stepping
This may be specific to the south, but y'all listen up, do yourselves a favor, and learn to two-step. Was that country enough for you? ;) Men--learn three good spin moves and use them. Ladies--never turn down a dance. Unless your boyfriend is the super jealous type that would get upset. And if that's the case, reevaluate that relationship. If you love to dance and he doesn't, the least he can do is allow you to dance with someone else. It doesn't mean you love him any less. #realtalk

U is for Understanding
Understanding that your boyfriend will always check out other women, and that doesn't mean that he doesn't think you are the most beautiful girl in the world. Understanding that most of the time your friends will tell your mutual friends things you say, and it doesn't mean they are backstabbers. Understanding that girls get jealous--I know right? Jealous of you? That awkward, irresponsible, sarcastic excuse for a woman? Yep, you. The grass is always greener and other people always seem to have it better. Don't let other peoples insecurities become your own. Understanding that emotions get high and people say things they don't mean. Understanding that sometimes when people say what they mean, it isn't always easy to hear. Understanding that you are not always right. A little understanding will get you a long way in life.

V is for Venti
Coffee is the elixir of life. Okay maybe that was a little dramatic, but seriously I love coffee. It keeps you alert and focused, and many of my most important conversations have been had over a cup of coffee. As well as some of the silliest and most memorable. Every time I'm home I love sitting at the kitchen table with my parents over a cup of french press. We basically solve the worlds problems, talk about the news, politics, my school...anything we want! On the flip side Helen and I once grabbed coffee after a workout and had an entire conversation as if we were the judgmental old couple that was sitting next to us. It was freezing cold outside and we were in Nike shorts and tank tops, running from the car into Starbucks to avoid the cold. The old man literally turned sideways in his seat and stared at me while his wife peered over a newspaper with the nastiest look on her face. When they finally left, Helen and I suddenly became women from the deep south with the thickest accents you have ever heard, and crooning about "just how dumb these young folks looked in their short shorts when its freezing outside." Moments like that make me smile. Coffee is the best.

W is for Wisdom
I might be biased because of my relationship with Helen, but befriend someone who is a grownup! Mentors are seriously the best. I have a few adults that I like to seek advice from. They have such a different perspective on everything and can be some of the best listeners. They know being a young adult is hard, and they have survived and come out on the other side. Plus, babysitting is a gold mine.

X is for X-ample?
Okay that was a bit of a stretch. In the words of Miranda Lambert, somebody had to set a bad example to teach all the prim and propers what not to do. It's okay to get tipsy with the girls on a school night. It's okay to spend a weekend binge eating girl scout cookies and watching Mad Men. It's okay to shamelessly flirt with a cute frat boy and then not really remember if he was actually that cute the next day. Live it up while you can! #it'scollege

Y is for Your Girls

Sushi with the girls. Margaritas with the girls. Movie night with the girls. Two-stepping with the girls. Wine Wednesday with the girls. Those things are where friendships are born and sisters are made. Inside jokes are created and memories shared. Making friends as an adult is going to be so much more difficult! And Mindy Kaling tells me that when I do make grown up friends as a professional, I'm just going to wish I could go back in time and be friends with them in college! So don't forget about your girls. 

Z is for ZzzQuil
But really....it helps you sleep when your mind won't stop at the end of the day. Get the pills, not the liquid. What are you 5? P.S. It's non-addictive, unlike it's cold curing counterpart NyQuil.

In closing, this time in our lives goes by so quick when you really think about it. 4 years? What was 4 years to a 85 year old woman? Short and fleeting. But these four years (or maybe 5 or 6) to us? These four years of college are years of triumph and failure. Years of heartache and falling in love. Falling in love with a place, with a person, with yourself, with your life. Years of joy and anguish. Years of being surrounded by people, and never feeling more alone. Years of friendships. Years of education. Years of preparation. Years of pictures and memories and building a home, only to leave it and start over again. But don't be melancholy. Sure it's a little sad to think it's coming to a close so quickly, but just think about how much you have gained through it all? You have gained knowledge and life long friendships, and maybe the man of your dreams, and a passion and a path to follow and the tools to succeed in the real world. The next part of your life is just as new as exciting as stepping onto campus for the first time was as a freshman. So here's to what
I truly believe is the best time of our lives!

"All hail to SFA-SU!"

-L