A Wake Up Call

You know how I said I don't have bad days anymore? Just moments? Well I think I jinxed myself.

As I sit here on the verge of tears, while attempting to write a 10 page paper comparing the feed and nutrition requirements of  market sheep and goats (ag major probs), I can't help but wonder how I got myself here, into this position, again. Was it:

A) The fact that I let myself believe love should have second chances?

B) Because for once in my life I threw caution into the wind and started to fall for a not-my-type, smooth talking cowboy, hoping that those feelings would replace heart ache?

C) Because I am struggling with the guilt that comes along with making poor decisions?

D) Fear of change, and failure, as I prepare to leave what has become my home?

E) All of the above?

If you are a fellow college student dealing with dead week and finals then I hope the irony of the multiple choice is not lost on you! And maybe that is just it. The overwhelming conclusion to and overwhelming semester of an overwhelming year with some underwhelming let downs but also some incredibly overwhelming opportunities. Maybe the frontal lobe of my brain is just screwing with me.

Or maybe it's a wake-up call.

Maybe sitting in this cold computer lab with feeble attempts to distract myself from the wave of anxiety that has been rolling over me for the last three weeks is exactly where I should be when I realize that I have got to stop myself from coming undone.

I can't ignore the signs. I have been tired, sick, and frankly just in a shitty mood. My skin is broken out, I've had a bad eczema flare up that hasn't shown itself since high school, and I have been biting my nails until they bleed. This isn't me.

Tomorrow I see my parents, take the GRE, get my class ring, and turn in what are my last assignments as a student at SFA before moving on to student teaching next semester. I should be rejoicing but I can't help but feel hollow. I can feel myself drawing back into that girl I was 10 months ago, the first time my ex and I broke up. Has it been ten months? It seems like just yesterday.

The strain of putting on my happy face is becoming apparent when I look at myself in the mirror. For the first time in a long time I see my reflection and like what I see. But, for the first time in a long time when I look inside myself, I don't.

This isn't a cry for help. It's a come to Jesus with myself. I'm not falling off a cliff, I sitting on it under a shade tree with a margarita in hand. So this is what I have to say to myself, that girl ten months ago who thought she had nowhere to go. That girl who I apparently never dealt with properly, who has chosen to rear her tear stained, mascara running face again these last few weeks.

1. Stop making excuses for other people, specifically men:

You have never made excuses for yourself. You always take the blame. In fact you take it too much. Let other people take the blame. No, it's not okay to think that he didn't mean it when he said that he hated people like you because you don't have to study. He did mean it. He wasn't just tired, or insecure. He's an asshole.

It's not okay to think that this new guy really does like you, but just isn't looking for the type of girl you are right now. He just wasn't ready to meet you yet. The marrying kind. The complicated kind. Whether he likes you or not is irrelevant. You are torturing yourself trying to figure out what to say or do to make him want you. And if he doesn't recognize that he should have snatched you up the moment he met you? Too bad so sad.

2. Let yourself miss him:

You don't have to be the girl everyone knows you are. The strong girl who is independent and smart and challenging with a spitfire humor. Not right now. It's okay to be the girl that rolls hers eyes when people mention his name. Or the girl who stops in her tracks when you see him holding hands with someone new. I know he built up this world where you and perfection were synonymous, but you aren't perfect. It's okay to be human.

I know you had this epiphany when he messaged you a few weeks ago. Where you could honestly say you didn't care what he thought said or did. Wasn't that feeling amazing and refreshing and enlightening?! Your fatal error was thinking that this one moment of clarity meant you were completely over him. It was a beautiful but brief glimpse into the bright future that lies ahead of you! Remember that feeling and hold onto it because one day that will be how you feel all the time. Whatever you do though, do not forget the pain he caused you.

3. Don't blame yourself:

Yeah I know I just said you aren't perfect. You aren't! But you ARE worth it. Worth those grades. Worth texting back. Worth another dance. Worth that grad school offer. Worth that scholarship. Worth being taken out on a date. Worth being told that you are beautiful and crazy and they wouldn't have it any other way. Worth being missed. Worth being loved.

Smooth talker couldn't take a little heat? Then he doesn't get to be in your kitchen. (That's what she said). You will not be forgotten by those who know you and love you. You are not forgotten. You have done nothing wrong. Okay maybe you have done some things wrong. But that doesn't mean you have to keep reliving those moments and beating yourself up about them. If you want to text him, text him! If you want to ignore the crap out of him, ignore him! But let yourself feel and then forgive yourself. Don't be a broken record of self depreciation.

4. It's okay that she doesn't like you:

I know you're trying. You're friendly! And outgoing! You aren't a threat to her! You know that, but she doesn't. What if you were in her place? Better yet, you WERE in her place. It's okay that she points you out to her friends at the bar and whispers. You're the ex. You're that one she has probably asked about and he probably dismissed with a very charming and vague response.

You aren't mad at her. Hell you always thought she seemed really sweet. It is engrained in female brains to dislike exes the same way it is engrained to dislike the new girl. Because what if they had something I don't? Something that he misses? Her friends wouldn't be good friends if they didn't automatically raise their eyebrows at you. Think about your own experiences.

5. Your worth does not lie in others:

This is something you have struggled with your entire life. In high school, it was your ag teacher. In college you have made a lot of progress, but have still managed to find mentors that you use to validate your worth. And then you were doing really well. You didn't need validation. Until men came into the picture. And now you are one of those girls. The girls who put their self worth in the hands of men.

And why would you do that?

Why?

The only men who should ever affect your self worth are your dad, your brother, and God. Your worth lies deep in your heart, in that small space right behind your insecurities. In that part of your soul hidden by your scars with a light so bright that others can't help but be caught up in it. In that part of your mind where you question and challenge and push because that is who you are. Of course it's behind all of the crappy stuff. You have to take risks to reach it. That's why it is hidden by the stuff that makes you cry and scream and go numb. Because only by getting through those things can you realize that you are enough.

And darling you are more than enough.



This is not over. And who knows how much time will pass before it will be. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up with a new sense of confidence. Maybe writing this all down was the end of what has, in the last three weeks, become a fast and slippery slope. The feeling of helplessness will probably come back at some point but it will not define me. It shouldn't define anyone.

One thing that I always told my ex was that everyone deserves to be happy, a sentiment he could never really wrap his mind around. Now I make exceptions for murderers and rapists, but other than that I believe people are inherently good and therefore deserve happiness. That's why I want to be a teacher. To help others find their happiness. To find their light.

My light is the quick wit I posses in friendly conversation. My light is the ability to make others laugh, and the ability to laugh at myself. My light is my heart, warm and welcoming to pretty much everyone I meet. My light is my obliviousness to the advances of men, and the sparkle in my eye when I realize they are flirting with me! My light is my academic drive and integrity. My light is the ability to speak in front of groups both large and small. My light is the smile on my face when I am out dancing. My light is hugs and well wishes. My light is accessorizing and getting dolled up for no one but myself! My light is going out for drinks with the girls. My light is what makes me fearfully and wonderfully made.

 

I have found my light, I just have to dig for it and dust it off sometimes, and remind myself that other people see it too.

-L